Cloud Gazing.....Part 2

“No.” She shook her head slightly as she glared at him with eyes that accused him of an uncommitted crime. “No, it won’t fade, it will never fade…this won’t go away, Michael, no matter how much you will it to. You did this to me, don’t you understand that? After everything I said to you, after everything…all the tears, all the arguments…you went and did it anyway. And I hate you for that, I hate you for ignoring me and for not loving me enough to stay…but most of all I hate you because…because I can’t help but forgive you.” Her tears were uncontrollable now, streaming down her face, blurring her vision, cracking her voice- but now she didn’t care. Now all that mattered were the words she’d finally thrown into the air between them, breaking the window that had separated them for so long.

He stared at her for a few moments, seemingly unaffected by her outburst. “You know why I did what I did. Lily, you should know why I went, why I had to go. But you should also know that every step that I took away from you was like a dagger through my heart. I didn’t go because I didn’t love you enough, baby, I love you more than you could ever imagine…but that” he gestured to the chain in her hand “was a part of my life, just as much as you were. It was something I had to do.”

They lapsed back into silence for a few moments, their gaze still as one. It was almost as though nothing had changed, as though they were together again. But it wasn’t. Everything wasn't as it once was. Everything hadn't returned to those perfect days when they'd watched the sky together and talked until there was nothing left to say. In place of the openness they'd once shared had grown a haze- an unforgiving distance that lingered between them and refused to lift.

“I’m going to go. And so are you. And I’m not going to see you here again, right?” He looked at her as he stood up, raising his eyebrows.

“It’s not that easy. I can’t even look at the sky without remembering you.”

“Who said there was anything wrong with remembering? I want you to remember me, Lily…I just don’t want you to build your life around those memories.” He crouched down in front of her, looking at her with that stare that she could never avoid. “The sky can be our place. The place we watched when we spent our lives together…and the place I’ll be watching you from for the rest of your life. Like a guardian angel.” He grinned at her, reminding her of that conversation they’d had before he’d proposed.

A solitary new tear escaped her eye as she smiled back at him.

“So you won’t be back?”

She shook her head.

“Good.” He stood up. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” She started to laugh through her tears, and then in a blink he had vanished.

The familiar stab of anguish spread through her chest as she found herself alone again, and remembered that none of it was real. She stood up, kissing her fingers and pressing them against the headstone.

“Goodbye, Michael.”

She opened her fist slowly, staring at the numbers engraved on the tags that she’d memorised over the years. Rubbing her thumb across the metal, she felt that stupid little pinch of anger grab her once more at the idea of a man that meant so much being identified in such an impersonal way, and then she lay the chain down in front of the stone. As she turned to walk away she realised that the loneliness and sadness that had followed her for so long had finally disappeared. She wasn't alone. He was with her. He would always be with her. Her husband, her soulmate and her guardian angel. He was watching her from the clouds.