It’s hard to be grateful when picking up the pieces of my life
YOUR voice woke me up. I’ve heard your voice before but that was a lifetime ago. It was soft and comforting, a beacon of guiding light in the eternal darkness of my soul. After your soothing voice had come your warm hand that reached out and grabbed mine. The memory of it all grips me as I lay wide awake picturing you by my side with your outstretched arm holding my hand. We both gaze at the blue sky with minds racing in every direction. We were happy, deep down. Sure we worried about everything and the world seemed to lie solely on our shoulders but we had happiness. We held it tightly, scared it would slip away. You remember right? You said you would rather never wake up than leave the comfort of that room.
Anyway I’m sure you remember those things just as well as I do. Smile Oh boy!!! There’s nothing to worry about in the end. The body is nothing but a complex evolutionary machine made up of nature’s building blocks. Those fears and clever ideas you cling to so hard are nothing but electrons. It’s all ridiculously simple. But it still scares me when I find myself talking to you like this you know. I guess you want to hear all this. As long as it helps you I’ll do it. After all, I owe you that much. I have a lot of questions to ask you but I know you don’t want to answer them. Plus, I’m not sure the answers would do me any good. I’m just worried about everything as usual. I suppose it is fear again. It flows through my body like a deluge, striking down pillars and shaking firm foundations upon which I have set my entire self. It isn’t fair that I hate what you have become. It isn’t fair that all we have are fragments of memories that were once part of something so much bigger. I guess it was all held together by the hope we invested in our future. Yes, I’d love to hold your hand. Sorry I’m being so negative. It’s hard being positive when all I have are pieces of the life I once wanted. Electrons and atoms, you’re right. Sigh, helping you is harder than I thought it would be. There’s always something going wrong but if that’s true, there’s always something going right as well. Just have to notice it as it passes by. Can’t stare at the floor and say there’s nothing but dirt. Why did you wake me up? I guess I was the strong one once upon a time right? Unbent seemingly held upright by a magical force that you might be able to discover as well? Sigh. You must have been disappointed with the research but if you are here it means you still think there’s something to be found within this shell. I hope you manage to find whatever you’re looking for. As for myself, I simply hope the next time I hear your voice I won’t be so startled and scared. You always had a beautiful voice. I remember longing for the soft whispers. I catch myself still hoping they could echo softly in the room. It’s been so long but I guess I’m stuck in the past you provided me. Maybe I just can’t go backwards and enjoy life after having tasted the joys of your company. We always seemed bored with each other but that’s really what I want back… Someone, who will sit through storms with me, quietly comforting me and not demanding anything in return.
Completely aware that I wouldn’t forget the favour and one day the favor would come back around, quietly and dignifiedly. I’m not sure I’ll ever have that unwritten contract with someone again. Sigh. The void inside my soul has just grown a little bit. But it dœsn’t matter. Some have never felt a glimpse of the joy you have given me. It’s hard to be grateful when picking up the pieces of my life but the logical problem solving part of my hyperactive mind knows the truth far better than my broken heart dœs. I was very lucky and I am still lucky. I’m sure apologising for all those things I said won’t help, and you know that I always feel bad when I get angry and say things I don’t mean. Think I can just pick up the bigger pieces and pour something over the small pieces? Just forget about them? Probably, not a good idea. I’ve tried alcohol, cigarettes, and books, the solitary treatment and the social party going, working out, eating well and sleeping a lot. Work is the only escape I’ve got from the pleasing memories of us that fill my mind. I guess I’ve felt this way before and then I found you. I close my eyes and dream of better times. I can’t feel your hand in mine even though I know it’s there. The mind wanders like a lost vagabond looking for shelter in a dark stormy night. Desperately trying to find its way through a land it once knew so well. A land I once owned and cared for. A place I held dearly and cherished, well aware it would bring me some sort of wealth I would one day need. “Still awake you
Sleepy girl?” My eyes open as the sound of your voice drags me out once more. I’ve heard your voice before, saying the exact same thing. It was one cold winter night but now I’m lost in the meaning they held and whether they were true at all. They were your words and now they’re etched into my mind like hieroglyphs carved in stone, in spite of me. Lovely words I’ll never hear again I suppose, simply lost to me like you now are. Don’t leave just yet. I know you’re dead and a lot of strange things must happen to someone when they die but you’re all I’ve got. My hand wraps itself around yours as my eyes close and memories flood in. It’s been so long since I’ve felt you by my side. Days turned quickly into weeks and weeks dragged into months and months into years. Tomorrow it will be 6 year and then soon after ten. The sands of time slipping through my fingers as I try desperately to hold onto all the lovely pieces you gave me. It seems eternity wouldn’t be enough. I’m on my knees, fighting the urge to scream. Why do I still love you? Why do I insist to fight my demons? Why do I battle so fiercely to defend a lost cause? Tears slide down my face as the overwhelming truth hits me once more. This bed was once my home and now it is a prison. A confinement space where part of me is sent to suffer the mistakes of a life I no longer have nor could possibly have again. Shouldn’t I be grateful for the things you’ve given me? For all those times you confided in me and made me feel like your beacon of light? My mind wanders unaware of anything but its own fatal wound. Just tears of joy my love. I know it’s silly. Anyway, thanks for saying hi and waking me up. My eyes close once more and I’m suddenly blinded by the light and warmth of sunrays as I seemingly fall asleep in the middle of a lush green field on a lovely summer’s day. I’ll always hear you laugh my name, MR.
The mind wanders like a lost vagabond looking for shelter in a dark stormy night. Desperately trying to find its way through a land it once knew so well